Post by Pirate Joe on Feb 15, 2008 8:18:59 GMT -5
Tom Luginbill’s Master Rankings: 2008 Edition
GUMP4HEISMAN.COM
Editor's Note: The following is a promotional piece written by ESPN recruiting analyst Tom Luginbill. If you're unfamiliar with Luginbill, he was the only analyst to rank Alabama's recruiting class, universally regarded as the top class in the country, at #3. His ranking of Miami (Rivals.com #4) at #1 and Clemson (Rivals.com #12) at #2 did not come without controversy.
In fact, it caused many in the recruiting community to question Luginbill's recruiting knowledge. It also caused many Alabama fans to accuse Luginbill of spurning Nick Saban's Crimson Tide in favor of Randy Shannon's Miami Hurricanes and Tommy Bowden's Clemson Tigers.
Hello everyone! I’m Tom Luginbill! Doesn’t my name sound cool? Tom Luginbill.
I am known for my rankings. Tom Luginbill. I can rank things. In fact, anyone can rank things. But Tom Luginbill can master-rank things. One time, I met a second grader. And he was ranking things. And I asked him ‘How do you do that?’ And he didn’t answer me. And he kept ranking things with his red crayon. And so I thought, ‘That’s what I can do. I’ll be a ranker of things!’ And so I did. I ranked things. Tom Luginbill. From that day forward. Tom Luginbill.
Now people ask me questions all the time. They ask me “Hey Tom Luginbill, where would you rank my pasta?” And I tell them, “Behind Clemson!”
But I'm no regular ranker. I am a ranker extraordinaire. I am a master-ranker. I master-rank all the time. When I was younger, I would master-rank up to three, four times a day. But today, I’ve calmed down. See, I’ve slowed down a bit. I don’t have to master-rank all the time. So now, I usually only master-rank when my kids are at practice, when my wife’s out of town, or during late night re-runs of Doogie Howser MD.
But Tom Luginbill master-ranks more than just recruiting. Tom Luginbill master-ranks to lots of things. People ask Tom Luginbill, “Tom Luginbill, do you only master-rank to 17-year old male athletes?” And Tom Luginbill tells them “No silly. Tom Luginbill master-ranks to lots of things. Women, housing structures, primates in their natural habitats, etc.”
Tom Luginbill. So, here is a lengthy excerpt from my new, comprehensive life guide Tom Luginbill’s Master Rankings: 2008 Edition.
Tom Luginbill. Please enjoy! It’s out in stores now. And it’s only $19.99! Tom Luginbill.
-----
(Excerpts from TOM LUGINBILL'S MASTER RANKINGS: 2008 EDITION)
Tom Luginbill’s Top 3 Things to type at the start of a Web Address:
1) w
2) w
3) Clemson
Tom Luginbill’s Top 5 Adjectives:
1) Biased
2) Incorrect
3) Stubborn
4) ACCarifictastic
5) Objective
Tom Luginbill’s Top 5 Explorers with the Last Name “Columbus”:
1) Steve Columbus
2) “Snake Eyes” Columbus
3) Bill S. Preston Columbus
4) Jar Jar Columbus
5) Christopher Columbus
Tom Luginbill’s Top 5 Rocky Movies:
1) Rocky V
2) Rocky II
3) Rocky III
4) Rocky I
5) Tommy Bowden
Tom Luginbill’s Top 5 Most Current Years:
1) 1994
2) 2006
3) 2007
4) 1
5) 2008
Tom Luginbill’s Top 3 Sources of Light:
1) Tom Luginbill’s cell phone screen
2) Tom Luginbill’s old college desk lamp
3) the Sun*
* - overrated
Tom Luginbill’s recruiting formula
A lot of people ask Tom Luginbill what Tom Luginbill’s recruiting formula is made of. A lot of people also ask Tom Luginbill what Easter eggs are made of. Well, Tom Luginbill tells them “math.” And “Easter Bunny sperm.”
Tom Luginbill’s recruiting formula is a complex mathematical algorithm. And here it is:
Step 1:
(Tom Luginbill’s mood)
X
(Tom Luginbill’s favorite hobbit)
+
(what Tom Luginbill had for breakfast)
÷
(fullness of Tom Luginbill’s gas tank)
X
(what movie is currently playing on TBS)
X
(Tom Luginbill’s wife’s latest excuse for not having sex with Tom Luginbill)
Step 2:
(all of the above)
÷
(all of the above)
+
(random team name, ending with “lemson,” drawn from hat)
=
Final Team Recruiting Ranking
So, for example, let’s examine how Clemson was able to take the #2 spot:
(sleepy)
X
(Bilbo Baggins)
+
(strawberry Toaster Strudel)
÷
(1/4)
X
(Shawshank Redemption)
X
(“My uterus was placed on the IR”)
Let’s say all of that equals x.
So, we take the formulas and plug it in:
x ÷ x + Clemson = Clemson
And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how the pros* do it.
* - Tom Luginbill
GUMP4HEISMAN.COM
Editor's Note: The following is a promotional piece written by ESPN recruiting analyst Tom Luginbill. If you're unfamiliar with Luginbill, he was the only analyst to rank Alabama's recruiting class, universally regarded as the top class in the country, at #3. His ranking of Miami (Rivals.com #4) at #1 and Clemson (Rivals.com #12) at #2 did not come without controversy.
In fact, it caused many in the recruiting community to question Luginbill's recruiting knowledge. It also caused many Alabama fans to accuse Luginbill of spurning Nick Saban's Crimson Tide in favor of Randy Shannon's Miami Hurricanes and Tommy Bowden's Clemson Tigers.
Hello everyone! I’m Tom Luginbill! Doesn’t my name sound cool? Tom Luginbill.
I am known for my rankings. Tom Luginbill. I can rank things. In fact, anyone can rank things. But Tom Luginbill can master-rank things. One time, I met a second grader. And he was ranking things. And I asked him ‘How do you do that?’ And he didn’t answer me. And he kept ranking things with his red crayon. And so I thought, ‘That’s what I can do. I’ll be a ranker of things!’ And so I did. I ranked things. Tom Luginbill. From that day forward. Tom Luginbill.
Now people ask me questions all the time. They ask me “Hey Tom Luginbill, where would you rank my pasta?” And I tell them, “Behind Clemson!”
But I'm no regular ranker. I am a ranker extraordinaire. I am a master-ranker. I master-rank all the time. When I was younger, I would master-rank up to three, four times a day. But today, I’ve calmed down. See, I’ve slowed down a bit. I don’t have to master-rank all the time. So now, I usually only master-rank when my kids are at practice, when my wife’s out of town, or during late night re-runs of Doogie Howser MD.
But Tom Luginbill master-ranks more than just recruiting. Tom Luginbill master-ranks to lots of things. People ask Tom Luginbill, “Tom Luginbill, do you only master-rank to 17-year old male athletes?” And Tom Luginbill tells them “No silly. Tom Luginbill master-ranks to lots of things. Women, housing structures, primates in their natural habitats, etc.”
Tom Luginbill. So, here is a lengthy excerpt from my new, comprehensive life guide Tom Luginbill’s Master Rankings: 2008 Edition.
Tom Luginbill. Please enjoy! It’s out in stores now. And it’s only $19.99! Tom Luginbill.
-----
(Excerpts from TOM LUGINBILL'S MASTER RANKINGS: 2008 EDITION)
Tom Luginbill’s Top 3 Things to type at the start of a Web Address:
1) w
2) w
3) Clemson
Tom Luginbill’s Top 5 Adjectives:
1) Biased
2) Incorrect
3) Stubborn
4) ACCarifictastic
5) Objective
Tom Luginbill’s Top 5 Explorers with the Last Name “Columbus”:
1) Steve Columbus
2) “Snake Eyes” Columbus
3) Bill S. Preston Columbus
4) Jar Jar Columbus
5) Christopher Columbus
Tom Luginbill’s Top 5 Rocky Movies:
1) Rocky V
2) Rocky II
3) Rocky III
4) Rocky I
5) Tommy Bowden
Tom Luginbill’s Top 5 Most Current Years:
1) 1994
2) 2006
3) 2007
4) 1
5) 2008
Tom Luginbill’s Top 3 Sources of Light:
1) Tom Luginbill’s cell phone screen
2) Tom Luginbill’s old college desk lamp
3) the Sun*
* - overrated
Tom Luginbill’s recruiting formula
A lot of people ask Tom Luginbill what Tom Luginbill’s recruiting formula is made of. A lot of people also ask Tom Luginbill what Easter eggs are made of. Well, Tom Luginbill tells them “math.” And “Easter Bunny sperm.”
Tom Luginbill’s recruiting formula is a complex mathematical algorithm. And here it is:
Step 1:
(Tom Luginbill’s mood)
X
(Tom Luginbill’s favorite hobbit)
+
(what Tom Luginbill had for breakfast)
÷
(fullness of Tom Luginbill’s gas tank)
X
(what movie is currently playing on TBS)
X
(Tom Luginbill’s wife’s latest excuse for not having sex with Tom Luginbill)
Step 2:
(all of the above)
÷
(all of the above)
+
(random team name, ending with “lemson,” drawn from hat)
=
Final Team Recruiting Ranking
So, for example, let’s examine how Clemson was able to take the #2 spot:
(sleepy)
X
(Bilbo Baggins)
+
(strawberry Toaster Strudel)
÷
(1/4)
X
(Shawshank Redemption)
X
(“My uterus was placed on the IR”)
Let’s say all of that equals x.
So, we take the formulas and plug it in:
x ÷ x + Clemson = Clemson
And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how the pros* do it.
* - Tom Luginbill